A List

Things I thought I’d be but aren’t after living for nine months on an equatorial coral atoll:

A rugged specimen of island toughness – After nine months of never cutting my hair and only rarely shaving, I expected I would look like Johnny Depp from the Pirates of the Caribbean. You know, a suave, rugged individual with majestic locks. Instead people have said that I look like actor Gary Bucci from his police mug shot. My hair puffs out like a cat licking an electrical outlet and for some reason, I blame my Father, I cannot grow facial hair anywhere save a thin strip above my upper lip and all over my neck. It just looks awkward.

A tanned hunk: In a place where the thermostat rarely drops below 80 degrees, I thought that it was safe to assume that my white skin would have turned into a healthy bronze. Well it’s just not true. I have witnessed shades of red reserved only for the internal fires of the sun. My skin skips a step in the burn, peal, tan cycle and simply resets after peal. Flaky is not sexy.

Well versed in island survival: Listen, if you put me and someone else who had never been to Micronesia on a deserted island and saw who would survive the longest, I’d put my money on the other guy. Sure, I have been spear fishing a few times, and sure, I know how to open a coconut, but those are skills that someone with a free afternoon could safely put into his repertoire. When my brother came to the island to visit, he scurried up a coconut tree in seconds – a feat that whenever I try puts my ability to have children at risk.

Used to the heat: I have been here for nine months. That’s enough time to have a baby for goodness sakes, how can I still be sweating this much?

Things I didn’t think I’d be but am after living for nine months on an equatorial coral atoll:

A man with complete disregard for personal hygiene: I think it’s a good day when I can pour a bucket of water into my toilet and have my business go away. All that you need to know about a bad day is that it involves a shower drain and bare feet.

Patience enough to wait out a tree: island time is island time. There are days where my food comes a mere hour after I ordered it and I’ll think to myself “wow, they sure are speedy today.” Added on top of that is the fact that I don’t think anything of taking 30 minutes in a taxi to get somewhere 10 minutes away because hey the lady next to me needs to drop of plates of food to five different houses along the way. I can do waiting now. Not a problem. Bring it on DMV.

Brave in a stupid way: sharks used to be something that I avoided. There was nothing better than sitting on my couch, flipping on the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” and getting scared silly. Now, when I’m about to go snorkeling, I’ll think to myself “geez, if I’m lucky, maybe there’ll be a shark!” Somehow I wonder if I have my priorities messed up.

A tolerance for nasty things to rival a garbage man: OK, I know that this was already kind of covered in the toilet one, but seriously, it needs to be touched on again. Things can get disgusting here. Dan and I will be paddling out to the surf and I’ll say casually, “Watch out for the disposable diaper floating there.” I mean, come on, that’s bad.